One thought

maybe there is a reason your not supposed to know what goes on behind close doors. behind certain doors people poop and there's no reason to open that. 

week.

i think this is how i feel. 

or rather, this is how i think i feel so this is how i will feel. 

this is how i think i will feel. 

rather, this is the possibility to a feeling that is currently or almost apparent is.

no.

this is a fleeting yet relevant feeling that is a current thought.

current or somewhat current.

this is a momentary thought.

or momentary percepetion on the valid state of affairs. 

this is a perception of intra-personal perception on thought.

or affairs. or, in fact, actions. 

i am reflecting. i think i reflect confusion.

Articles on business I would rather read:

·      How to survive the day when your PMS wants you to rip off your co-workers head

·      Laughing at boss’s jokes: the fine art of the fake laugh

·      Being competitive and not being called a bitch

·      Why you just can’t be honest

·      Is that Chanel? No, it’s Old Navy

·      If not this then what?

·      Surviving downsizing without giving blow jobs

·      Getting promoted without the hassle of a sex change

more to come. this one's for the little guy.

how to finish a bottle of wine

you start with dinner. because what is dinner without wine. you don't pour too much. just enough to accent the sensual textures and aromas of the meal.

well that glass ended quickly. you're not even done eating. this justifies the next glass. again reasonable amount, although a little more then the last time. 

after dinner you sit back and enjoy the meal you just eat. that wine sure did compliment that food. it did leave your throat dry. ::swallow:: you end up at the fridge toping off the glass to clear your throat. nothing is more hydrating then wine. 

all the sudden that sitcom about southern families is getting funnier. i mean that's not how you dance.

your friend calls. i mean, you might as well get another glass so you can stay on the phone. 

this call is lasting a long time. one more glass. 

finally it ends. you remember you have to do some work from home. well that's going to need another glass. 

now you're bored and buzzed. so i think that deserves a drink. go get a glass of wine!

that one wasn't very big, so you get another one in justification. just as you pour that last glass all of the wine is done. 

you did it. you finished the bottle. go you.

Nicki.23

I'd like to take some time to explain where I was. Nicki.23 works. Nicki.23 works a lot. Nicki.23 has no idea what she is working towards but regardless is working hard. Nicki.23 lost what used to feel like creativity. Nicki.23 makes jokes about Xerox and the inability to receive a document on time. (you know, you order something to be printed in 2 days and receive it in 5 done incorrectly... i mean come on, I should just go and print it myself... funny right?) Nicki.23 go get laid.

today.

I guess in all reality you can't stop it. One day you agonizing over the conflict growing up vs staying youthful, the next your 30. Given up. Tired. All the sudden the job that was temporary in your 20's is a great opportunity. I fear giving up. Damn you 30. But strangely enough this isn't what's bugging me. Well, maybe it is.

One of my friends asked me not too long ago, (and yes I plan to continue without any explanation as to where I have been for so long... you know you're not my mother) what moments make me feel like an adult. As this is an issue I had been pondering for a while, yet in a different way I was happy to talk about it, because most people don't like when you rant about why you hate being a grown up. (note: it turns out my friend was asking all his friends, which then made me think all my friends should just put up with my "growing up is a bitch" theories)

With wanting to provide the best answer, I took a moment. To me, I realize that I've become an adult when I have a decision to make, and due to experience know the consequences of both options and make the correct one.

For example- when fighting with a boyfriend there is always that turning point in the fight, where the phone goes silent and no one is saying anything, a decision has to be made. You can a) hang up the phone, b) act really annoyed with the other person, tell them you'll call tomorrow, go out get really drunk, make out with someone else, c) get annoyed, hang up, get drunk, call that person back later that night when drunk and say things you'll regret, or d) try and get to the bottom of what is upsetting both parties and resolve issue. Now, since the beginning of time, all these options are available to you, however in youth, you can ignore or even be oblivious to the D rationale. You can in fact completely fuck up your relationship because you probably only were dating the guy because he looked hot behind his drum set. So you choose A or B or C and deal with the dramatic aftermath.

But here's when I now feel like an adult, in that moment I know my options BUT I also know my consequences. And that's more important. By choosing B, I know that the next morning I'll be sneaking out of someone else's bedroom. That I will go along with my normal activities drenched in a particular sent called guilt no. 9. This guilt will lead me to be weird and super nice to my boyfriend. He'll know somethings weird, because I'm normally an asshole. We'll meet up that night, preferably in a park or a car for effect only. And we'll get into an even bigger fight, and we'll break up and I will loose everything instead of just resolving one fight.

See the I KNOW difference? So now in that moment, I have to choose D, because in that moment on the phone I weigh my options. I have to accept the fact that I don't want to loose someone over having a bad day. Sure there are other things that apply to this "make the right decision" grown up problem, picking bills over shopping, not going drinking so you can get a head start at work, not being able to travel to visit friends cause again you have to go to work to pay the bills that prohibited you from shopping. But its loosing that fun, irresponsible route and that's depressing.